Joking Stockbroker Prints

'This year's stock market compared to last year's? Well, that is a bit before my time.'

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

The Contrarian funds

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

'I can't believe it! This is when I sent out a company memo advocating a win-win philosophy.'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

"I was doing pretty well in the stock market until I discovered there were laws."

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

'Polly wants a Nasdaqer...Polly wants a Nasdaqer...'

'I'm calling my invention 'IPO'.'

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

'Oh my God, dog biscuits are down!'

"We've lowered our IPO price so many times, the Street's referring to it as an Initial Pathetic Offer."

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'Tech stocks tumbled on news that Alan Greenspan's computer was down.'