Joke-teller In The Family Pillows

"No I don't have a motor bike - just a big angry missus!"

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'Men are like fragments of soap... they get together in bars!'

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Shampoo.

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

How about going easy on the carbs

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

'What sort of wines do you like?' ... 'Powerful ones!'

'Hang on a minute: You're not going to transform into a Prince and leave me heartbroken, are you?!'

"I've put on a few ounces, but it's mostly paperweight."

It's estimated that millions of trees are planted by forgetful squirrels.

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

Raised by Dogs

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Excuse me ma'am, may I help you cross the road so that I can get the answer to this dumb joke my friend keeps telling?"

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

'But this is fantastic, professor! It's like no language I've ever seen before!'

Your Message on Your T-Shirt: 'Do As You Are Told!'

Baxter Higgleton, word balloon artist.

'Our family has a dry sense of humor, and we don't laugh that much.'

"No! I am your father!" "Noooooo!"

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

'I don't think my homework is very good. My dog refused to eat it.'

"At home there's a fish, a cat, a dog, me, and a big sister."

'I AM a magician! When I wake up granddad from his nap, I turn Gramps into Grumps!'