Family Joke Teller Pillows

"You've got bunions, hammertoes and plantar fasciitis. Bad feet must run in your family." "Nobody runs in my family."

Your Message on Your T-Shirt: 'Do As You Are Told!'

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'Men are like fragments of soap... they get together in bars!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

Shampoo.

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

How about going easy on the carbs

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

'Hang on a minute: You're not going to transform into a Prince and leave me heartbroken, are you?!'

Raised by Dogs

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"I've put on a few ounces, but it's mostly paperweight."

It's estimated that millions of trees are planted by forgetful squirrels.

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

'What sort of wines do you like?' ... 'Powerful ones!'

Graph Your Relatives!

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'