Joke Master Gifts

"This one can be a problem. He's the class clown and his material is so good, it's hard not to laugh."

Custard pie ejects from book - 'How to be a clown'

'I didn't tell you to 'be quite Frank'. I said,'be quiet, Frank'!'

(Singing) 'Doctor, what's wrong with me?' 'Staff in-fec-tion.'

'Don't get mad at me, lady. I just followed the instructions.'

'Ok, ok, what about this one? There was an Irishman, an Italian and an Englishman ..'

'When he wakes up, tell him 'April Fools.''

'She must be good at mixing cement - She's been making rock cakes for years.'

'Who folded the annual report into a paper airplane?'

"I developed my sense of humor as a defense mechanism and it turned into a lethal offensive weapon."

"He's surprisingly sensitive about heckling."

Hand Maiden

"You'll like my mate - he's a scream..!"

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'Always the wise guy.'

"What's he going to do now, break wind?"

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

'When you discovered your bark was worse than your bite, you decided to see me?'

"You in the back row. Is that a forced, fake laugh I'm hearing?"

"Me? - I won first prize in a cartoon caption competition!"

"'Ere, mate - you look like a right muppett..!"

"What a great class. I got an 'A' in forwarding e-mail jokes."

'I'm a substitute but I don't believe Mrs. Carlson lets you watch TV all day.'

'So you're sticking to that story - This lovely, brand new motor fell off the back of a car-transporter?'

Toilet Humour: 'Did you hear about the constipated human?'

Jimmy Carr

'It's an 'opposable thumb' -- the military applications alone are astounding!'

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

"Sadly, Francois' sense of humour is of the below the belt variety."

'I don't get it - How can answers on a MATH TEST be politically incorrect?'

'Too late, Trevor realised his mistake.'

"...Any more of that fowl language and you're barred!"

"Your early stuff was funnier."

"First caller is Rudolph, from the North Pole, you're on Rudolph. What's your problem?!. . . And before you speak, lt me just remind everyone that I spent ten years as a detective specializing in tracking down prank callers and mercilessly destroying their self-esteem."

Al, trust me� You're ready for tomorrow's comic strip. I really want to nail my performance, Axel. "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup�waiter, there's a fly in my soup�waiter, there's a fly in my soup�waiter, there's a fly in my soup�waiter�"