Joke-loving Doctor Pillows

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

"I'll be fielding any questions you may have and my assistant, Carol, will be googling the answer."

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

Medical Books - Lady Chatterley's Liver

'Hold it!'

'Are you writing my symptoms, or is that your autobiography?'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

Locum GP's to be paid for extra work on the BMA agreement

'I think it's your colon. I came to that conclusion through the process of elimination.'

Surgery Instructions.

"Doctors, Gilby, Beam and Henson. Ears, nose and throat."

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

'I had this two years ago.'

"They used to call them G.P.s."

"All good: This egg looks healthy as well..."

"You have ice water in your veins."

A diuretic! Are you sure about this?

"It'll have to stay on until your vasectomy heals..."

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

'We've not met, but I'm your keyhole surgeon.'

"If you don't feel better in a few days give me a call and I'll completely ignore you."

"I'm saying we lash out for the 'Deluxe' collagen treatment, next time, honey."

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

Ah. I knew you were going to say that. You people are so predictable.

"We've determined that it sucks to be you."

'Three, two, one. Stand clear.'

Grand rounds vs. ground rounds.

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

'Hey, what do you want from me? As a primary care physician, ALL I DO is prescribe drugs and refer you to specialists.'