Joke-loving Doctor T-Shirts

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

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"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

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'Are you writing my symptoms, or is that your autobiography?'

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

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'I think it's your colon. I came to that conclusion through the process of elimination.'

"Doctors, Gilby, Beam and Henson. Ears, nose and throat."

Surgery Instructions.

"You have ice water in your veins."

'I had this two years ago.'

"It'll have to stay on until your vasectomy heals..."

"All good: This egg looks healthy as well..."

"They used to call them G.P.s."

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

'We've not met, but I'm your keyhole surgeon.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"We've determined that it sucks to be you."

'Three, two, one. Stand clear.'

Grand rounds vs. ground rounds.

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

"I'm saying we lash out for the 'Deluxe' collagen treatment, next time, honey."

"If you don't feel better in a few days give me a call and I'll completely ignore you."

'Hey, what do you want from me? As a primary care physician, ALL I DO is prescribe drugs and refer you to specialists.'

'My speciality is referring patients to the right specialist.'