Joinery Gifts

Wine Making Society (Press buzzer on the floor).

'Now we can receive e-mail!'

Jack of all trades

"Measure twice, cut once...and curse three times!"

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

"On the eighth day, God found a lot of assembly parts left over."

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

'Go ahead and laugh, but I lose my keys less frequently than you do.'

'…and remember - around HERE, ‘talk is CHEEP'.'

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

"Diamonds are so three billion years ago..."

'Where do I put the batteries?'

'We recommend that you get a ring of equal weight for the other hand to prevent improper alignment of your spine.'

"See what I mean? It's going to take a bigger diamond."

"Take the off this minute, young lady."

"But until I do transmute lead into gold, maybe I could interest you in some lovely lead jewelry."

Artisan hot dog stand has pigs tethered to it.

"My girlfriend really went all out on this one."

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Li'l Bill meets destiny.

'What kind of alteration did you have in mind?'

D.I.Y

'We would like to buy three rings... Engagement, wedding and teething!'

'Or you can rent by the week...'

"Good artists borrow, great artists steal."

"So, how did the audition go?" "Great! I really nailed it."

Guide to Carpentry Fish

How Swordfish Are Born

'Next Please...' (Joe's Sharpening Service).

'Too pricey? Perhaps you wish to see something in macaroni and spray paint?'

Test your patience, back in one hour.

Well, you and I know it's our home, but our 'smart home' doesn't know it's our home