John Donne Fan Gifts

"Oh come on, rejoin the party. After all, no man is an isl –"

'Burying things is his version of spring cleaning.'

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

'What TV show do frog princes go on ...?...'

'Now stay tuned for 'Hope - Myth or Reality', to be followed by 'Reality - Hope or Myth'.'

"Dad, will you play judge and tell me if Raymond or Joey is the father of my baby doll?"

Men discussing a book on a chat show

Night Life: L.A.

"So, colony collapse disorder - how funny is it?"

'I'm redecorating my den and need a 16 point buck for the wall - see to it, Pendleton!'

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

"Well I think the Real question is..."

'The way I see it, with all the talk shows out there, nobody needs a wife!'

"Today on the ask Sadie show, we'll be addressing one single topic: 'Wolverine.' Specifically, we'll be talking about how most of you freaks who were obsessed with it for months are no longer talking about it. You people today have the attention span of a chimpanzee!!! That's an average of about 20 seconds, for those of you who still remember what I just said."

'He's got a lot of talent and everything, but I just don't think he's cut out for talk radio.'

"I see myself as a lot like Garbo, but very much a people person!"

'As I said to Phil, 'Call a plumber!''

Sally Jessy Raphael

"You won't find Miss Miriam Hirschman an easy nut to crack, Mr. Leno."

"You're like the grandpa I never had, Mort." "You never knew your grandpappy, Randy?" "Oh, no, I knew him. Grandpa Randy was an intrepid archaeologist who broke hearts and defeated villains all over the world." "‘Indiana Randy’s’ life story became the stuff of legend. They even made some movies based on his exploits." "I'm just saying you're nothing like him." "I was going to see those films back in the '80s, but the matinees were past my bedtime."

'So...you claim Farmer Jones kept you locked up naked in a dirty sty, fed nothing but garbage and repetitively called you a filthy swine!'

'Larry, did you feel THAT? Your career just peaked! And on MY show! Isn't that fantastic?'

Retired Talk Show Host.