John Lennon Fan Gifts

"Imagine there's no heaven. . ."

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

"Take my word for it, sir―it looks just great on you!"

Johnny Winter.

Noah's Ark leaves pair of unicorns behind

"Reports now confirm that Abraham Lincoln has stopped turning over in his grave and is angrily burrowing his way to the White House."

"When I was a teenager 'Saturday Night Live' had Mike Myers, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman..."

Horatio Nelson

"They should've called me for the sketch instead. She's not even funny. What a complete bomb-ala."

Julianne Moore,

"Mr. Speaker, I would like to request an additional thirty seconds to approach my esteemed colleague from across the aisle and punch him the face."

"And whose bright idea was it to name him Daffy?"

I'm sorry sir, store rules. No 'Stairway to Heaven'.

Aliens pondering the attack on civilization: If we destroyed the human race, who would make all the wonderful movies about us.'

Movies About Military Families

'Face it -- you'll NEVER catch up to Lady Godiva's approval rating.'

Though it has never been proven, no one has ever denied that Abraham Lincoln had heat vision. Hmmm....

"Would you mind?"

"Nope. No mistake. You’ve been booked... forever."

'My proposed legislation is based on the concept that 'a rising tide lifts all boats.''

'Mentoring requires many sophisticates qualities and skills...'

Led Zeppelin Gig: 'Do you remember when the only drugs we took were dope and Jack Daniels?'

Back on the mound after succesful Elton John surgery.

US Airforce.

David Bowie RIP

Felicity Rose Hadley Jones caricature

Sony Dorkman

'...and finally I'd just like to thank my plastic surgeon for giving me these puppies.'

COVID19 ACE

"Seen my Brad Pitt mask?"

"We've managed to track down the only person who has NOT recorded a duet with Elton John."

'Debates are great, but what really makes or breaks a candidate is an appearance on 'Saturday Night Live''.

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Cote de Pablo