Job Seeker Jesters Gifts

'Human resources gave us the idea of trying 'blind interviewing'...'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"And where have you previously moused?"

"I hate performance review season."

Born In Captivity.

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"They want to put up a new cell tower in our neighbourhood?! We don't need more of those radio emission eyesores here! I'm gonna complain... ...as soon as I have better signal strength."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

Scapegoat of the Year

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

"And that, gentlemen, is the Friday 4.55 pm Bad News Email Dump."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"Less hair doesn't mean less work!"

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"I know your previous employer gave you an excellent reference, but you were self-employed."

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

"I don't need your resume. Your current employer forwarded me a ton of security video that you're featured in."

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"It has come to my attention that you may have been somewhat less than forthcoming in your résumé."

"I've worked as a wet-nurse for ten years, but I'm after something new now..."

"When you promised me 'a set of wheels', I assumed a company car."

The breakup

'I see an applicant being hired!'