Job Seeker Jesters Gifts

'Human resources gave us the idea of trying 'blind interviewing'...'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"I hate performance review season."

"And where have you previously moused?"

Born In Captivity.

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"They want to put up a new cell tower in our neighbourhood?! We don't need more of those radio emission eyesores here! I'm gonna complain... ...as soon as I have better signal strength."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

Scapegoat of the Year

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"And that, gentlemen, is the Friday 4.55 pm Bad News Email Dump."

"Less hair doesn't mean less work!"

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

"I've worked as a wet-nurse for ten years, but I'm after something new now..."

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

'I see an applicant being hired!'

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

"I know your previous employer gave you an excellent reference, but you were self-employed."

The breakup

"It has come to my attention that you may have been somewhat less than forthcoming in your résumé."

"When you promised me 'a set of wheels', I assumed a company car."

Now hiring.

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."