Job Jesters Gifts

BOB THE MUGGER - Ring bell for service

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"I hate performance review season."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'Mr. Coleman is on vacation. Would you care to hold?'

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

Scapegoat of the Year

'Clear out your desk, Randy. ...NEXT!'

'Looks like no Christmas bonus this year.'

"I wanted a Meticulous Monday or a Thorough Thursday report. This reads more like a Frivolous Friday."

"This is bad work, Edwards! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad!"

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

When Pro Athletes Enter The Workforce.

"The job is yours. You're a jerk, we're all jerks, I think it'll be a great fit!"

"Less hair doesn't mean less work!"

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

"And that, gentlemen, is the Friday 4.55 pm Bad News Email Dump."

"I'm not lazy. I'm resting before I get tired."

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

"There is a great deal of evidence that big savings can be made if departments shared resources... But I suspect that implementing the changes might be problematic if we can't even get Norman to lend out his pencil sharpener."

The breakup

"An open one-to-one environment is what you want, an open one-to-one environment is what you get, Ms Praed."

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

Corporate Cafeteria. I don't care how many toppings you pizza has --- eating it is not multitasking!

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

'That's part of out in-house, stress management program...'

We're looking at better ways to share our knowledge & expertise. But I'm not going to tell you what they are.'

'My stretch goal for this year is to get 52 weekly paychecks.'

"Excuse me, Mr Newton, but some of the employees think that your promotion has gone to your head."

'Welcome to the office. . . Someone will be along to remove your self esteem and install your paranoia.'