Job Hunting Jesters Gifts

'I worked briefly in a Fine-China shop, but it didn't work out...'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"And where have you previously moused?"

Born In Captivity.

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'Your advert didn't say anything about intelligence... it said you wanted a manager!'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"It has come to my attention that you may have been somewhat less than forthcoming in your résumé."

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

'You've been with the company for 20 years Harvey, you make an excellent wage, get 4 weeks paid vacation... I'm going to have to let you go.'

"I've worked as a wet-nurse for ten years, but I'm after something new now..."

'I see an applicant being hired!'

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"When you promised me 'a set of wheels', I assumed a company car."

The breakup

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

"I don't need your resume. Your current employer forwarded me a ton of security video that you're featured in."

Now hiring.

"I know your previous employer gave you an excellent reference, but you were self-employed."

'This is the age of specialisation - you can't be a hunter AND a gatherer.'

'Reinvent yourself, and get back to us.'

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

"We got him through a firm of headhunters"

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

Personnel. Portions of my resume have been redacted for national security reasons.