Job Search Ninja Pillows

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'We manufacture micro computing circuits. We're looking to hire someone who can anticipate the next small thing.'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

"The only hobby we tolerate is working on weekends."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"He's the best our AI recruitment algorithm could fund, unfortunately our AI is really stupid."

Perks Featured in Vacancy at Toy Company

"Here at Global Com we're looking for people can 'think outside of the box'..."

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

"No, you definitely wouldn't get Christmas Eve off."

'I don't understand. You've wasted the whole interview going on and on about what you know... I think you'd better start telling me who you know.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Actually, there's no interview necessary. Just pull out the sword and the job's yours.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Right now it's between you and two hundred and fifty other people who came to Seattle, moved in with five roommates, joined a band, took a job in a coffee bar, got fed up, had a meeting with themselves, and decided it was time to go out and find a real job."

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

'I'll be honest with you. The pay isn't great.'

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

'You must be the only 'Jack-of-all-trades' who is out of work in all of them!'

"I'm going to send you to someone who's more familiar with the law of the jungle."

'I'm afraid you've failed the Turing test.'

'I'd hire you, but the word is going around you guys are practically extinct!'

"I'm being heavily recruited by several other companies."