Job Security Ninja Pillows

'I'm always concerned about the well-being of my employees. So, how do you feel about being an interchangeable chess piece, with no rights, who is absolutely at my mercy?'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

37 years in the same position.

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

Get Well Soon and Hurry Back to the Office. . . Before Sharks Eat Your Job

"How have you managed to keep your job?"

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

There now, that wasn't too difficult was it!

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

"A wage increase to match inflation."

'Following your 'barbecue summer' forecast, I'm revising predictions of your contract being reviewed.'

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

'Of course I'd never fire you, Nelson. You've been working here for such a long time, you've become part of the furmiture!'

'You've been with the company for 20 years Harvey, you make an excellent wage, get 4 weeks paid vacation... I'm going to have to let you go.'

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

We're so pleased with your twenty years work, we've decided to offer you a two year short term contract.

'Times are tough, Smith, but I don't want to lay you off. So, to keep you working, I want you to wash our building. That should keep you busy for the next decade.'

"I'm trying to find a way to balance your strengths against your felonies."

"Ruddy AI. Bad enough to be replaced by a computer, never mind a COFFEE MAKER."

Redundancies

I don't like the looks of this.

'Do you have an appointment?'

"Grunzman, I really appreciate you. I appreciate you to work somewhere else."

'We think a lot alike - and that threatens my uniqueness to this company.'

"Now I don't want to alarm you, but are you familiar with the term 'On the scrapheap'!"

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'

'But Tom, you AREN'T being marginalized. You're being fired. There's a difference.'

"Your job is safe - at least until you're too old to be hired for another job but not so old that you can retire."

'I discovered just as much work gets done when you're not there.'

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

"This is a family operation, Ben, and we're evicting you from our family."

Thanks For Not Firing Me Cards