Job Security Ninja Pillows

'I'm always concerned about the well-being of my employees. So, how do you feel about being an interchangeable chess piece, with no rights, who is absolutely at my mercy?'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

37 years in the same position.

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

Get Well Soon and Hurry Back to the Office. . . Before Sharks Eat Your Job

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

"How have you managed to keep your job?"

There now, that wasn't too difficult was it!

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

"A wage increase to match inflation."

'You've been with the company for 20 years Harvey, you make an excellent wage, get 4 weeks paid vacation... I'm going to have to let you go.'

'I'm fired, am I -- What's that supposed to mean?'

'Following your 'barbecue summer' forecast, I'm revising predictions of your contract being reviewed.'

'Of course I'd never fire you, Nelson. You've been working here for such a long time, you've become part of the furmiture!'

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

'Times are tough, Smith, but I don't want to lay you off. So, to keep you working, I want you to wash our building. That should keep you busy for the next decade.'

We're so pleased with your twenty years work, we've decided to offer you a two year short term contract.

"I'm trying to find a way to balance your strengths against your felonies."

Redundancies

"Ruddy AI. Bad enough to be replaced by a computer, never mind a COFFEE MAKER."

'Do you have an appointment?'

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'

"Now I don't want to alarm you, but are you familiar with the term 'On the scrapheap'!"

"Grunzman, I really appreciate you. I appreciate you to work somewhere else."

'We think a lot alike - and that threatens my uniqueness to this company.'

I don't like the looks of this.

"Your job is safe - at least until you're too old to be hired for another job but not so old that you can retire."

'But Tom, you AREN'T being marginalized. You're being fired. There's a difference.'

'I discovered just as much work gets done when you're not there.'

Thanks For Not Firing Me Cards

'My job security hinges on the fact that I work cheaper than someone overseas.'

"Our computers will be down for an hour, so I advise everyone to hide under their desks. The last time it was total anarchy until we were back online."