Job Retention Gifts

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'He's the only one that wasn't let go due to the bad economy and now he has survivor guilt!'

'Get out there and keep your job!'

"The good news is that I'm still here after the boss cut our department by 33 percent."

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"I figure if I was still employed, I wouldn’t get to spend all this time with you!"

37 years in the same position.

Very Difficult Conversations

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

The Rubber Ball Company

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

'Curious how all four previous employers spelt 'exceptional' with just an 'x'.'

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

"...But of course we'll still be friends on Facebook!"

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

Danger Slow Sand.

"My career's in shreds, but on the bright side, so are my files."

"Dear, did something happen at the office?"

"Ralph's smart car not only drives better than he does, it also works better. So we fired him and hired the car."

"You had the power to leave all along - just click your heels three times, grab your coat, and sneak out without saying goodbye."

I'm over-educated and under-employed. That's why there's no MIDDLE class anymore.

Between Offices

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

In and Out Sourced.

Work Slave

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"

'Don't bother cleaning out your desk. We'll be hiring you back as a consultant for half the salary and no benefits.'