Job Retention Discussions Gifts

'You can't let Jenkins go. He's the only one who is willing to clean the microwave.'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

Danger Slow Sand.

'He's going to be an estate agent, just like his Dad.'

"I'm being heavily recruited by several other companies."

"You haven't been laid off because you're the designated scapegoat."

Dolestart - A New Initiative

The state off graduates literacy levels is shoking and both my coleegues agree that there maths isn't much better!

'You've been with the company for 20 years Harvey, you make an excellent wage, get 4 weeks paid vacation... I'm going to have to let you go.'

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

'I don't believe in pressuring my children. When the time is right, they'll arrive at the default choice and go to law school.'

Nothing to Lose

"Well, what a coincidence, Jeff's in vermin control too!"

'Please become a NHS dentist!'

'Instead of firing me, he could have tolerated mediocrity a little longer.'

"The good news is that I'm still here after the boss cut our department by 33 percent."

How to Polish Up Your Resume. Remember, you don't want to polish it to the point you can actually see yourself in it.

The Contract Culture: 'Jump.'

'I like a man with a good, firm fist bump.'

We're overstaffed right now, but we'll keep your resume on file.

"So why do you feel that you're a better person for the job than every other candidate who's shown me résumés with the exact same credentials?"

'We've been given three months notice backdated twelve weeks.'

'I need a hug. I was laid off at the fish factory.'

'WOHOOO! They hired me for the double role!'

Flunkey asking for a larger salary and not happy to be compared to a lower order of clergy

corporate scapegoat to sacrifical lamb

"It comes with great sadness, that one of you will be placed on furlough, for a minimum of three weeks."

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY, 'While my reserve unit was guarding the Iraqi border, an illegal alien took my job.'

'He's the only one that wasn't let go due to the bad economy and now he has survivor guilt!'

'. . . but I didn't belong to the union, so a scab stole my job!!'

'I've gotten reports several of our employees are trying to make us look bad by applying for food stamps.'

'It's hard to get good people, and even harder to keep them.'

'Of course, we're fully prepared to offer you our comprehensive employee health care package.'