Job Performance Review Gifts

"Why do I say you need to improve your attention to detail? For one thing, Tom, you've come to work without your pants again."

'At least the boss knows your name. His memo says, 'If Syms were an e-mail, I'd delete him.''

"In a few hours I've got a review with the boss. Now I'm going to get my good suit out of the laundry. You know, the fire-resistant and bulletproof suit."

When handling difficult conversations, focus on the issue and not the person.

"You've been a cheap suit long enough, Haskins. We want you to be a moderately priced suit."

Thanks For Not Firing Me Cards

"You make minimum wage because you do minimum work!"

"If you really want to stay on here, Wiles, you're going to have to give more effort."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

"Yes, you have given 100% to this company. But, over the five years you've worked here that's only 20% a year."

I'm not making enough money to like you.

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

Sales - "Any other suggestion besides getting a bigger chart?"

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

Targets.

"You need to stand up for yourself, or at least sit up straight."

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

Sales.

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."