Performance Review Time Gifts

'The complaints against you are as follows: You don't return calls, you don't encourage your staff, and you're nobody's best friend.'

Office Competitions

"That's my performance review!? Two thumbs up?"

'...And here's a graph showing which departments have the most jerks.'

"Yes, you have given 100% to this company. But, over the five years you've worked here that's only 20% a year."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

I'm not making enough money to like you.

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

Sales - "Any other suggestion besides getting a bigger chart?"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

Business Target

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"You need to stand up for yourself, or at least sit up straight."

Targets.

"On reflection i think i could have coped with just 340' feedback."

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"Make yourself comfortable so that we can discuss your raise."

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'I think I found the bottleneck, Boss.'