Performance Review Expert Gifts

"It's time for your performance review where I damn you with faint praise."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

I'm not making enough money to like you.

"Yes, you have given 100% to this company. But, over the five years you've worked here that's only 20% a year."

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

Sales - "Any other suggestion besides getting a bigger chart?"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Business Target

"You need to stand up for yourself, or at least sit up straight."

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

Targets.

"On reflection i think i could have coped with just 340' feedback."

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"Make yourself comfortable so that we can discuss your raise."

'I think I found the bottleneck, Boss.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'Yes,we have equal pay in that we are grossly underpaid, all of us.'

"You're allowed to think outside the box, as long as you stay inside the margins."

"Sorry, you can't cash in your vacation time. Since you didn't use it, tell it Bon Voyage!"

"You shouldn't do it because I'm telling you to do it. You should do it because I'm telling you I'll fire you if you don't do it."

'You just don't seem to be fitting in.'

"Gosh, 'inept' seems so harsh. Personally, I prefer the term 'productivity-challenged!'"