Job Offers Gifts

'I got the wine taster's job, but I have to buy nose insurance and they charge by the pound.'

'This new role will involve some extra responsibilities...of course you'll appreciate that there won't be any extra funding...it's a role for which you are uniquely qualified!'

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

How are you at decision making?

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

Do you have any other skills?

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

"I don't like your application."

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

"I'd like to TikTok your offer and get comments before saying yes or no."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

In and Out Sourced.

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

Between Offices

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'Actually, there's no interview necessary. Just pull out the sword and the job's yours.'