Jeweled Jokesters Pillows

Buying Engagement Rings - 'For $30 a month, we'll embed a homing device to help you keep track of her.'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

Browned off cows. They can't pull a cracker.

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Doctor about spinning plates on patient: 'I'm concerned about his platelets.'

Santa Elevator

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Santa Claus stuck in a chimney sitting in a hospital emergency room.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'On the outside I'm all ho-ho-ho. But inside I feel weak and shaky, like a bowl full of jelly.'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Robot porn.

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

"It was worth a try."

"He was right about saving that box. It did come in handy."