Jetlagged Humorists Gifts

"Hey guys, it's me, Rob! Remember, we flew together yesterday."

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

Flight attendant piloting Santa's sleigh.

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

"My instagram feed is basically people, dog food, and tennis balls."

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

"Cancel the trip. The cook didn't get a visa."

"It's funny 'cos it's true!"

'I didn't get the Owners Manual. I thought you got the Owners Manual.'

"'Let's introduce him to a mirror' he said. 'It'll be fun he said'. You call the coroner!"

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

My Folks, dressed up like Eskimos

Newton discovers surrealism

'Sorry son, I bought you an ice-cream at the corner shop, but it melted on the way home...'

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

"I'm so tired: Joey was tossing and turning in his sleep the whole night and kept waking me up..."

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

Why he always make pictures of him food?

'This is a first Mr Cowbird. You've contracted mad cow disase and the bird flu!'

Robot porn.

"...and this is Sheila. She's my main squeeze."

Eggs That Were Anagarms In Past Lives -'Unscramble Me'.

Online articles are fine, but I miss being annoyed by the fragrance sample cards in print magazines.

'Thank you for your unsolicited parenting advice! In return, I'd like to tell you about a method I know for removing those unsightly age spots.'

'Sorry, but my liability insurance no longer allows me to grant that wish.'

Sign on shop: Headquarters: 'Business People for Peace'. Man walks out of shop wearing t-shirt with slogan 'Make money not war'.

"This next arrow should shake things up a bit!"

...and we guarantee the passage of time for the life of the watch!

"We moved to the sea to get away from the crowd, only to find they'd moved to the sea."

Rudy, do you remember when I experimented with genetically engineered produce? Yeah. And I created an enormous evil zucchini. Yep. Why? No reason. Do you have a 12-foot paring knife? Uh-oh. Huge carrot! Run!

'What I want for Christmas is a bigger carrot'

"Phyllis needs to stop taking our staff meeting minutes."