Jellyfish Jokester Pillows

No, that one's not my hand, either.

"I let my head rule my emotions. Mainly because that's where I keep my gonads."

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'Gravity...Go figure!'

Begin this high fiber diet slowly. Too fast and your co-workers may complain of a greenhouse effect.

Growth Charts

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

Fleas Navidad.

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Merry Christmas"

'If I thought for one moment that you were identifying...!'

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"I'm off, I only popped in for a swift three units."

'I'm SECRET Santa, kid.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

"Redcoat is down! Repeat, redcoat is down!"

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

Men dancing

Who says religion can't have a sense of humour.

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

'I don't know why I'm so unpopular - I haven't got a nasty bone in my body.'

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

Elf of the Month

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"You want me to explain how there were two doughnuts in the larder and now there is only one? Easy, it was too dark in there to see the second one."

"Maybe this year..."

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"