Jargon Jabber Gifts

The finance department finally achieved their ambition to produce a report that no-one could understand...

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The good news is that we do have a little wiggle room."

"We need a best practice swim lane to leverage our core competency, move the needle outside the box, and open the kimono while keeping our ducks in a row. Can anyone give me a sustainable solution to more vertical effectiveness without getting too granula

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"We have an acronym!"

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

A Bloody Butcher

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"It's time to retire the word 'profit'."

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

Stressed employee says to colleague: 'I think I'm on top of the situation and I hope I'm in the loop, but I can't seem to get ahead of the curve.'

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

'Would everyone please phrase their questions in ones and zeros please.'

"Here comes a client I must speak to. Excuse me while I slip into some jargon."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

"It probably got lost in the voice mail."

"It's a swearbox."

"My resume is concise, succinct and eloquently worded. I only hope they know what I'm talking about."

"There's a conversation to be had around a piece of work I'd like us to do tonight."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"

'It's easy, Greg. Just get in touch with your inner regional sales manager.'

'Sorry to interrupt Dixon - but this is not what I meant when I said this company needed more blue-sky thinking!'

Dept. for Obfuscation - Out for periodic diurnal replenishment of nutritive substances.

'Natalie, would you please bring me the buzzword du jour?'

'Instead of cubicles, we call them interconnected productivity centres.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)