Jammin' Jokester Pillows

'When you guys invited me over for a jam session, I just assumed...'

"Well, that's the only song we know, so we can play it another two or three times, or we can cut our losses. Waddya say, Cleveland?"

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"Merry Christmas"

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Honestly, dear, I'm just giving my pedometer a rest.'

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"I hate this time of year."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

"Susan! The Johnson's dog is chasing me while I'm jogging again!"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

Men dancing

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

Doctor about spinning plates on patient: 'I'm concerned about his platelets.'

"Maybe this year..."

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

Elf of the Month

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

Santa Claus stuck in a chimney sitting in a hospital emergency room.

Cleaning the Horse

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'