Irony Seekers Pillows

"Psst! If you have any stock tips to pass on, I can probably lighten your sentence for insider trading."

Institute of Time Travel

Store detective novel in bookshop.

'Look, woman! I can't talk any more, I've got a couple waiting to see me. Just you have my dinner ready and I'll be home when it suits me.'

Madamoiselle Microbiotic.

Local Weather: There are no tsunamis predicted for your area...

"And this is Nurse Frobisher who will be giving you guidance on your weight issues in a manner I can only describe as ironic!"

Panhandler holds sign: Will dispose of excess cash.

Car pool.

'I can't believe you gave them your resume instead of the holdup note!'

'Oh no! A Portuguese Man of War.'

'But this is a traffic jam.' - 'Tough luck, I'm still giving you a parking ticket.'

'Well, you got the dog to protect you against criminals. Perhaps now you'll have to hire a criminal to protect you from the dog.'

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

"I've never liked 'im - he's an attention seeker!"

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Horror movies

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.