Irony Seeker Pillows

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

"Only twenty-five kids? Have you considered fertility treatment?"

Local anaesthetic.

'I got life plus three hundred years...I won't be eligible for parole for six months...'

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

'We transformed our lives for the better.'

'In life... be careful what you wish for'

"My service animal for Alzheimer's, sonny!"

'A late payment and a friendly reminder cross paths in the mail.'

'It was a 'Country Club' prison, but it was tough - I once got a week in the hole for not wearing a jacket to brunch.'

'We need to panic until common sense returns.'

"Get lost, clown! You're giving us spineless slimy invertebrates a bad name...!"

'I thought my people were happy, I know I was.

"Don't even start, Claire. You knew I was a snake when you took me in."

I was just mugged despite using mouthwash and deodorant that promised great protection.

'If laughter's the best medicine, why are comedians such miserable b******s?'

'I just stopped by to look around and reminisce a little — this used to be my cell.'

'We don't believe your story: a wolf would never attack a sheep.'

Greeting Card Shop: No Rhyme or Reason Cards.

'Hey Phil...Thanks again for that little barnyard speech you gave last week about Farmer John's unimpeachable character and good intentions...'

'Strange, Darwin was totally wrong, yet, I'm a social Darwinist!'

'Missing left eye.'

Devil Reading The Da Vinci Code.

I'm sorry but bank transfer fees on hold-ups exceed your credit limit.

'Yes, nine injured - but it could've been so much worse.'

"Most women find me too cutthroat."

"They found culturally insensitive products in my kitchen."

"The average citizen doesn't have a clue - or why would we keep getting re-elected?"

Eurydice in prison

Beware the Dog

"At least he was expendable!"

"Pesky people, I've never figured out what good they do."

'This isn't on my bucket list.'

Self-help books.

"I'm sorry, Gavin, I could never do it with a plonker who runs out of petrol."