Ironic Wit Seeker Pillows

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

'Whoooa,MAN,check out this STORM! It's PELTING down!'

Artisan hot dog stand has pigs tethered to it.

"My service animal for Alzheimer's, sonny!"

"Most women find me too cutthroat."

"Wait, wait, back up, back up. Who the #!@! is George Orwell?"

The Red Carpet

K9 Literati.

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

Vampire shaving cut dilemma.

"The average citizen doesn't have a clue - or why would we keep getting re-elected?"

Arabic Thief Salad - lashings of whipped cream...

Eurydice in prison

'Oh, I hate when this happens! What do you do when you get a song stuck in your head?'

"They say it's the last of the really big cattle drives, and I'm just glad I'm here to see it."

"Wow. I just had a near life experience!"

"Baldo, credit cards are a terrible idea! Take it from someone who has 10 of 'em."

'A late payment and a friendly reminder cross paths in the mail.'

'We need to panic until common sense returns.'

"I always said I'd sleep when I'm dead, and yet here I am doing paperwork."

Lost and found - 'Can you desribe it?' (Queen being asked having lost her crown).

'And you dolls are the only friends I need to keep me... hey, where are you going?'

"Beware of dog"

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

Local anaesthetic.

"Don't even start, Claire. You knew I was a snake when you took me in."