Ironic Wit Seeker Gifts

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

'Whoooa,MAN,check out this STORM! It's PELTING down!'

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Artisan hot dog stand has pigs tethered to it.

"My service animal for Alzheimer's, sonny!"

"Wait, wait, back up, back up. Who the #!@! is George Orwell?"

"Most women find me too cutthroat."

What do you think about this "too big to fail" stuff?

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

The Red Carpet

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

K9 Literati.

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

"Wow. I just had a near life experience!"

"The average citizen doesn't have a clue - or why would we keep getting re-elected?"

Vampire shaving cut dilemma.

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

Arabic Thief Salad - lashings of whipped cream...

"They say it's the last of the really big cattle drives, and I'm just glad I'm here to see it."

'Oh, I hate when this happens! What do you do when you get a song stuck in your head?'

"Baldo, credit cards are a terrible idea! Take it from someone who has 10 of 'em."

Eurydice in prison

'A late payment and a friendly reminder cross paths in the mail.'

'We need to panic until common sense returns.'

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

Lost and found - 'Can you desribe it?' (Queen being asked having lost her crown).

You're too enamored of wealth, Al. As it says in the Bible, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle that for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." Is that a regular Camel, or does it have a filter tip?

Law office sign: "Defending the citizen's entitlement to folly since 1935"

"Beware of dog"

'And you dolls are the only friends I need to keep me... hey, where are you going?'

"I always said I'd sleep when I'm dead, and yet here I am doing paperwork."

Local anaesthetic.