Ironically Healthy Pillows

'I was caught jogging past an Olympics sponsor's fat and sugar outlet.'

"I'll take a salad, add bacon bits, extra cheese, dressing, and powdered sugar, not lettuce."

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

'great win, kids! Let's celebrate... My treat!!'

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'But I feel quite healthy.'

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

Mother Nature's Health Foods

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

"All these healthy eating edicts and chew twenty times...I'm fed up to where my back teeth used to be!"

"I'm on a health kick at the moment - let's walk around it a few times before we eat."

'Got anything more exciting?' - 'Yes, under the counter we have hamburger and chips, beer and chocolate cake.'

'Geeez! One day, we'll all get killed by that unhealthy stuff!'

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

"I love this device! Not only does it answer questions, it also works out for me."

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

Man sits outside an STD clinic thinking of the twelve days of Christmas.

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

The Un-healthy Supermarket

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."

"A life sentence isn't so bad. With good behavior, a poor diet, smoking and lack of exercise, you'll be out in no time."

'You need more cholesterol. The oat bran level in your body is too high.'

"Hang on! - How many units is in that...??"

Joe's Natural Foods...steak 'n' tators.

'I feel a bit constipated.' - 'The chemist will be closed by now. What shall I do?' - 'Sundae spoon!' - 'Stay away from me!'