Healthy Eating Irony Pillows

"All these healthy eating edicts and chew twenty times...I'm fed up to where my back teeth used to be!"

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

'great win, kids! Let's celebrate... My treat!!'

Organic foods stand manned by stallholder using fly spray.

'It says all the chemical ingredients in this food were made by organic, free range scientists.'

Spanx Tells Me No

'But I feel quite healthy.'

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'Flipping the remote and clicking the mouse are his low-impact aerobics.'

The meat's fine,it's just the milk tastes of gherkins.

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

"Now bend forward to touch floor between feet- try to keep knees straight."

'This is spinach, Grandma. Spinach isn't grandmotherly.'

'I spent the afternoon over a $500 lunch explaining how bad business is.'

"Everything is fat-free. So why am I still fat?"

"Eat your predigested greens."

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

Mother Nature's Health Foods

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

'This is the only way to make him eat fruit...'

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

Man sits outside an STD clinic thinking of the twelve days of Christmas.

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

'I was caught jogging past an Olympics sponsor's fat and sugar outlet.'

"I'll take a salad, add bacon bits, extra cheese, dressing, and powdered sugar, not lettuce."

"I wouldn't eat my broccoli because I hate broccoli, so the put me here for a hate crime."

"The Diet Special is bacon cheese nachos....served on a bed of lettuce."

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."

'You need more cholesterol. The oat bran level in your body is too high.'

'I'll have the tuna-fish salad but I want you to bring me sausage, egg, bacon, beans and chips by mistake.'

Joe's Natural Foods...steak 'n' tators.

'I only jog to be social.'