Health Irony Appreciation Pillows

Man sits outside an STD clinic thinking of the twelve days of Christmas.

Back in a snap (chiropractor).

"The answer isn't more troops—what you need is an antibiotic."

'But I feel quite healthy.'

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

"My Dad has just come out of hospital."

'Flipping the remote and clicking the mouse are his low-impact aerobics.'

'I can only describe it as one of those symptoms that goes away whenever I see a doctor.'

'The good news is that you'll be able to continue working and pay my bill.'

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

Universal Soldier/ Local Anaesthetic

'They don't have any side effects, nor any other effect whatsoever!'

"I missed my last appointment, because I was feeling poorly."

"Now bend forward to touch floor between feet- try to keep knees straight."

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

'For patients with a diagnosis of amnesia, send billing statements weekly until paid.'

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

"All these healthy eating edicts and chew twenty times...I'm fed up to where my back teeth used to be!"

"It's your work. Are you still sick or what?"

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

"Good news! Your health care provider has agreed to pay for that tongue depressor I used on you. However, you will have to pay for everything else."

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

Where am I? Hospital. Saint Snickers. Hospital? Why? You got so mad at huge oil company profits that you passed out. Saint Snickers?! Corporate sponsor. Doctor says no yelling.

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

"… All the lab work confirms it — I’m sorry, Mr. Franklin … You’re old."

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

I need some medication for an infection I'm going to get next Friday!'

'I really hate going to hospital.' 'I know. It's unfortunate you're a neurosurgeon.'

"The doctor will see you sometime before 9 a.m. and 4."

'Sorry we couldn't find you a private ward.'

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

"Mind if I smoke?"

'The doctor said I've got to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. But he only gave me 5!'