Health Irony Appreciation Pillows

Man sits outside an STD clinic thinking of the twelve days of Christmas.

Back in a snap (chiropractor).

"The answer isn't more troops—what you need is an antibiotic."

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

'But I feel quite healthy.'

"My Dad has just come out of hospital."

'Flipping the remote and clicking the mouse are his low-impact aerobics.'

'I can only describe it as one of those symptoms that goes away whenever I see a doctor.'

'The good news is that you'll be able to continue working and pay my bill.'

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

'They don't have any side effects, nor any other effect whatsoever!'

"I missed my last appointment, because I was feeling poorly."

Universal Soldier/ Local Anaesthetic

"Now bend forward to touch floor between feet- try to keep knees straight."

'For patients with a diagnosis of amnesia, send billing statements weekly until paid.'

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

"All these healthy eating edicts and chew twenty times...I'm fed up to where my back teeth used to be!"

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

"It's your work. Are you still sick or what?"

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

"Good news! Your health care provider has agreed to pay for that tongue depressor I used on you. However, you will have to pay for everything else."

"… All the lab work confirms it — I’m sorry, Mr. Franklin … You’re old."

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

'I really hate going to hospital.' 'I know. It's unfortunate you're a neurosurgeon.'

I need some medication for an infection I'm going to get next Friday!'

"The doctor will see you sometime before 9 a.m. and 4."

"Mind if I smoke?"

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.

"I gave up red meat, but replaced it with extra caffeine and Gluten."

'The doctor said I've got to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. But he only gave me 5!'

'Sorry we couldn't find you a private ward.'