Ironical Quipster Gifts

I'm already two weeks ahead of my diet schedule.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Wifi in Hell

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"The next song was sixties anthem for the youth subculture of revolution, anarchy and anti-establishment...and can now be heard in elevators worldwide."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'Is the water cold?'

Crime in bookshop

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

Men Working Things Out

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"Out, damn'd Spot, out I say! Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

"Wow! Check out the moon."

'Remember, repeated failure... is no guarantee of eventual success!'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.