Ironical Quipster Mugs

I'm already two weeks ahead of my diet schedule.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"The next song was sixties anthem for the youth subculture of revolution, anarchy and anti-establishment...and can now be heard in elevators worldwide."

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

Crime in bookshop

'Is the water cold?'

Men Working Things Out

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Remember, repeated failure... is no guarantee of eventual success!'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"Out, damn'd Spot, out I say! Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

"Wow! Check out the moon."

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'