Ironical Commentator Gifts

'Why do they use that stuff? I mean, OK, it gives them a vocal advantage. But steroids ruin the integrity of heckling.'

Wifi in Hell

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"Can you hear me now?"

When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.

'Oh, that's a deduction to pay for management perks.'

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"You've been traded to the Red Sox for an outfielder with a broken arm."

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

'ANOTHER fatwah?! Who have you been sharing your thoughts with this time?'

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

Art Gallery.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

'I can dish it out, but I can't take it.'

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

People want as much government as they deserve.

'Your hair is messy,stand up straight. You look unkempt.'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

"No, the guy who had this job before me didn't retire - he escaped."

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

China deploys troops to prepare for an American invasion of North Korea. Russia warns that if America attacks Syria again, Russia will respond with force. Y'know, last time we had a world war, we weren't the ones everyone was defending themselves against. Sometimes when you're playing tag, it's more fun to be "it." We should have out own political show.

"The only reason I would take a job in government is to write a tell-all book!"