Ironic Productivity Gifts

"So now you're reading a book?"

"Drunk, yet orderly"

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'Do you remember when our time away from the office was our time...'

Things-to-do-today: Daily workboxes piled up on desk.

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"Some advice please...How do I squeeze 9 days work into 5 and still see my family?"

Motivation to work

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

"Do we always have to work through lunch?"

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

'It's a fake - but all the hanging around the water cooler is down 57%!'

Time Out For Teddy

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

"Give a man a job, and he'll work all day. Teach a man to delegate, and he'll take the rest of the day off."

"Has anyone else noticed that the efficiency experts seem a little robotic?"

"...simple, we topped the water cooler with energy drinks and productivity rocketed."

'My multi-tasking turned into faulty-tasking.'

"You should be able to get through your emails during the working day then you could use the rest of your life to do some of the work."

Here's a new Blackberry with a special silent alarm that vibrates and delivers a small electrical shock. We call it the Gooseberry.

'I'm sorry you had to wait. My Time Management Workshop started late.'

"Oh, I can be dependable, and for another £200 a week, I can be productive too."

"Miss Jones! Clear my schedule until I get this sorted out!"

I have plenty of work harder bees. Get me more work smarter bees.

'If people who have sudden ideas really had light bulbs over their heads, it would be very dark in here.'

"Some days, no matter how much you procrastinate, work still gets done."

'I need a tool to measure productivity.'

Strategic Planning Magnetic Kit showing words such as 'increase,' 'global,' 'leading,' and 'profitable'

"A laptop has been installed in each rest room stall."

'Im so overloaded with emails, just one monitor wasn't enough to handle them all.'

It's to stop you getting side-tracked.

"I think you're becoming a workaholic."