Ironic Instructor Gifts

'Get a move on, you're late!'

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

'Home Schooling'

Empty Headed Schoolboy

"Shows you how much I know."

'Dad demonstrates for an hour and then we go home - what happens in your swimming lessons?'

Benjamin Franklin

'It actually stands for 'substitute' but it keeps the children in line.'

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

'Think Basics.'

"I give all new teachers the same advice. First you have to get the attention of the class. Can you quack like a duck or juggle two books in the air?"

'Today's lesson - how to slam a door.'

"...then - and here's the funny part - I add the potassium sulfate..."

"What do you mean: 'You don't believe that this is my answerphone'? Do you think I'd lie?"

"The big boot Italy ain't gonna kick the small shoe Sicily no more, capiche?"

'Do you have to explain nutrition with a pie chart?'

"Well, for starters, you’re holding the shovel all wrong."

There were occasional moments when she questioned her decision to work with truly gifted students.

'Oh look, I a flying saw sir.'

"How can one sum up Henry's impact on all our lives? Negligible, I guess that'd do it."

'They canceled school today -- the teacher couldn't find her hand puppets.'

'As it's your first day Frobisher, I feel I should warn you that the pupils can be a bit of a handful!'

'Play among yourselves while I deal with my stage fright.'

Om, I will kill him, ooommm. Om, I will kill him, ooommm... Jack would later be charged with premeditated murder

"Listen Smith, I don't care if the older boys are picking on you or not, you have to come into school - you're the deputy head for goodness sake!"

'My son never called me until he became a telemarketer.'

"What do you call a fish with no eyes?" "A Fsh."

"I will now open the floor to questions. Bye bye!"

A teacher sits in front of a blackboard that advertises various school subjects as being for sale.

'Forty-eight felony counts have taught me not to try to do everything myself.'

'I won't be coming in again - my dad's set up a free school in his shed.'

'I hate it when a substitute gets teachy.'

'Did you just text me to tell me we don't talk anymore?'

'I think that's right, but let me check.'