Ironic Humor Liker Gifts

'Civilization!'

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"Look! No hands!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Winter Weather.

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

"The next song was sixties anthem for the youth subculture of revolution, anarchy and anti-establishment...and can now be heard in elevators worldwide."

The Hammer

"You are still here."

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'Where Are They Now?'

Anti-inflammation recipes

"We should have done more to bring all the things we were trying to get away from."

Crime in bookshop

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"Daisy, that fall broke my leg pretty badly. You need to go get help, girl - oh, what a big stretch! Who’s a good stretcher? Daisy’s a good stretcher! What a good girl…"

Men Working Things Out

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

'You're a good man, Henderson, but you don't have your staff's respect.'

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

"I'll have dessert first."

"Wow! Check out the moon."

"If find people express themslves more freely in traffic jams."

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.