Ironic Humor Fiend Gifts

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"This brew is quite hoppy - they must of added too much toad."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Look! No hands!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Tonight I'm getting together with pals to sit around and croak."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

Winter Weather.

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"You are still here."

The Hammer

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

Anti-inflammation recipes

'Where Are They Now?'

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"We should have done more to bring all the things we were trying to get away from."

"What a load of hocus-pocus!"