Ironic Humor Fiend Gifts

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

"This brew is quite hoppy - they must of added too much toad."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Look! No hands!"

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

"Tonight I'm getting together with pals to sit around and croak."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Winter Weather.

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

To encourage patients to take their medication, Dr. Gratner brought in a sketch artist to show them what they will look like in six months without meds.

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"You are still here."

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

The Hammer

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'Where Are They Now?'

Anti-inflammation recipes

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"What a load of hocus-pocus!"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."