Ironic Giver Gifts

"Good evening madam. Would you like to donate your soul to a newly registered charity?"

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

Bagel problems.

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"I can't afford to feed you."

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

Fast Food Menus

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

Honey badger do care.

'He's not leaving, but if we collect enough, he might.'

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Tunnel of Dove.

Thanks And Giving.

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

"Don't be so mean...give him some money!"

'And you get this free.'

Heirlooms of Tomorrow

'Gee, thanks pal."

"Done saving the world for today."

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

"It was heaven before this."

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

Baldo, I really got to know you on my recent visit. I want you to come see me someday. Here is $300. Save it for your plane fare. Don't even think about using the money to buy a car."

Jill and Ted fought to the point of complete exhaustion over the placement of, ironically, a wedding gift.

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

She collected ceramic pigs. Only one so far, but even that was one too many.

Crap Stuff Shop.

Very rough-looking tattooed thug on his way to the 'Gentlemen'.

'Maybe he said store the wine horizontally...'