Ironic Gifting Gifts

'In appreciation of his thirty years as head galley slave, Narvak receives his retirement gift'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"I've never felt this close to anyone before!"

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

"I can't afford to feed you."

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

Fast Food Menus

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

'He's not leaving, but if we collect enough, he might.'

An Anarchist's Christmas

Tunnel of Dove.

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

Daily Meditations for Perpetual Victims

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

'And you get this free.'

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

Heirlooms of Tomorrow

"It was heaven before this."

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

A.I. Newreader Malfunctions. . . or does it?

Very rough-looking tattooed thug on his way to the 'Gentlemen'.

She collected ceramic pigs. Only one so far, but even that was one too many.

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

'Maybe he said store the wine horizontally...'

Crap Stuff Shop.

"Thank you, Darling...."

"Good evening madam. Would you like to donate your soul to a newly registered charity?"

Jill and Ted fought to the point of complete exhaustion over the placement of, ironically, a wedding gift.

"And when the time comes the company will put you to sleep at its own expense."