Ironic Gift Givers Gifts

"Do you remember the old days when you'd slog your heart out for 40 years and then be put out to grass with a watch and a paltry pension?"

Snow Stab.

Jack's Cards - When you only care enough to make a gesture.

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'Take my tip,sonny and say it with jelly babies.'

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"And another thing, it's real cool in the summer!"

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

Rent-a-Drama: "How many tweens will you need for your event?"

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

A sheep, a humming bird and a beetle - 'Baa, hum, bug'

"I can't afford to feed you."

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

Fast Food Menus

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

'Come on...no one would be dumb enough to buy those in a million years!'

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

'He's not leaving, but if we collect enough, he might.'

Tunnel of Dove.

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Acme Coffee Co.

"Yes, Doreen, I think I am capable of unconditional love."

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

Why T-Rex Did Not Go Noodling

'And you get this free.'

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

'. . . we should never have asked mummy what she really wanted for mother's day.'

Roo felt a little cheated with his new Christmas present.

"It was heaven before this."

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

'Maybe he said store the wine horizontally...'