Ironic Gift Giver Gifts

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'I'll get the gift wrap.'

She collected ceramic pigs. Only one so far, but even that was one too many.

Sisyphus Christmas Pudding

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

"The burglar has left us a Christmas card, isn't that sweet."

"I'm mailing a care package. It's important that our soldiers overseas know we're still thinking about 'em. It's my contribution to the war effort."

Eye-Pad Pro....

Jill and Ted fought to the point of complete exhaustion over the placement of, ironically, a wedding gift.

The Bestseller.

Bag of Air - Potato Chips Sold Separately.

Fast Food Menus

"Sorry, but the final T bone steak, French fries, eggs and ice cream are off the menu."

'Thanks for the good wishes, but I don't think that reading 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' will make me feel better.'

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

Criminal Santa Claus

"He knows when you've been bad or good. That just creeps me out."

"It's 2020, children. Just have faith that nothing's gonna work out in the end!"

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"And don't forget - make it look like an accident."

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

"I'm not Santa, kid-I'm just an overweight hipster with a bag full of dumpster garbage."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

Christmas Presents.

"It is my place!"

"Great news! Jim at work's promised to lend me all his World Cup DVDs"

Bagel problems.

I didn't realize our pitch had such a lovely view...

"I can't afford to feed you."

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

An Anarchist's Christmas

'He's not leaving, but if we collect enough, he might.'