Ironic Friend Gifts

Happy retirement, Ponsford - and try and resist the temptation to drop in and see us anytime.

Bangers and Mash

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

"The bad news is that I backed into a fan. The good news is my owner's a plumber."

A Punch and Judy Professor is visited by Death as a puppet.

Man needs to buy excuse for missing work from vending machine.

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

"He's starting to flag a bit"

"Must we have ten minutes blasphemy every night?"

"...and in conclusion..."

"The doc says I won't even make it another 45 years."

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

"The world revolves around my cat."

'Who else have I written for? Ridge Park Avenue, 7th Street, Elm Road, Thornwood Drive...'

'Great! You mean it's obedience school prom season already!'

Medieval sculptor hits thumb while carving a gargoyle.

"Mr. Sherman, you hired our team of management consultants to stremline your enterprise, and that is precisely what we are doing."

"Holly and Michael were growing envious of their son's imaginary friend… Rickey and me are going to the Knicks game with Bruce Springsteen!"

And where do you think you may have come in contact with AIDS tainted blood?

It started with a giggling sound in the suspension, then a noise in the ventilator, and then...

Arabian Nights.

"Every five minutes it's 'feed me this, get me that' or something along those lines, I mean, I'm parrot-phrasing."

Have you seen Dorothy lately? She's sooo over the rainbow!

Nature gave some animals weak eyes for a good reason. Never buy your pet rhino bifocals.

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

Fido phones

Thank you for not urinating.

Frog shelters from the rain under a flamingos tail feathers.

Snow White looking at dwarf hats on the Internet

A Yo-yo is in reality a flying saucer.

Robinia Floribunda

"Talking's ok but to me walking on your hind legs is simply taking anthropomorphism a bit too far."

"Ya know, it wouldn’t kill you to bark."