Ironic Diet Advisor Pillows

"Hold on! A new study says those are actually bad for you."

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

"No offense, but the manna needs salt."

Your problems are all in your head, Al. This time you're wrong, doctor. I happen to be lying on my keys. The problem is not in my head. It's in my left buttock.

"No matter how much gelato, pizza and tiramisu I eat, I gain weight. This Mediterranean diet just isn't working."

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

A well-balanced meal to a kid is a candy bar in each hand.

"Do you have anything that looks vegan, but is made from meat?"

'Dude, I think you should cut back on the Gummi worms.'

"Everything is fat-free. So why am I still fat?"

'Let's keep this simple - what part of you doesn't hurt?'

"I'm on a health kick at the moment - let's walk around it a few times before we eat."

'We'll have to be more aggressive with your diet. I'd like to try something I call 'The Carbivore''.

Mother Nature's Health Foods

'Ew! It's got FAT on it.'

'Got anything more exciting?' - 'Yes, under the counter we have hamburger and chips, beer and chocolate cake.'

'Everytime there's a thaw, I lose a lot of weight.'

'Doctor said to burn more calories.'

'Well, if you're enjoying your diet plan you must be doing it wrong.'

'Bottles water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!...'

"This is the latest craze - eat anything you want, anytime you want. It's called the San Andreas Plan."

Fast food

Diet.

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

"I'm really good at diets, this is my 50th!"

'Man, they sure know how to be cruel! 24 hours a day of the Gournet Food Channel!'

Flu Shots

'It's a well kept secret but actually John and I are closet agoraphobics.'

'I want you to lay off pork. In fact, I wish everyone would lay off pork.'

'I told him I couldn't keep him any longer and he lectured me on how to run my financial affairs!'

'...until the doctor put me on this bread and butter diet nothing worked for me.'

"A varied and well-balanced diet is vital to healthy and stress-free living�"