Iron Age Humorist Gifts

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Early on-line shopping

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'We never had all these labour-saving devices in my young day!'

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

'Art, art, art - When are we going to get some engineers?'

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

'..and one for the pot.'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

Garg saw the future, but didn't quite know what to do with it.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

Early House Hunting.

Paunch and Judy.

"I see you have the latest in accounting software."

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.