Investment Clubber Gifts

'Oh, I just love dealing with investment clubs. Now, in whose name will you be buying the one-half share of Microsoft?'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'But Dad, all the other kids get a roth IRA as part of their allowance package.'

Pastry Hat

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

Meanwhile, in Florida: Little Free Library/Little Free Firearms

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

Brew 'N' Brouhaha

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

'We always like to give more bling for the buck.'

Look! There's a photo of our eco club's Earth Day actions in the newspaper! Sports. Power up the green machine!! I could use more copies. Me too. They're going to really power up my college applications.

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

The Walk of Shame

"Do kids eat free?"

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

Sober Tooth Tiger

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

"Dow's up!"

Masters of Political Oratory

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

'Do you want toast with that?'

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

Stock Market Roller-coaster.

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

Gangsta wrap.

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

His master's chill-out album

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."