Investment Analyst Gifts

Sure, it helps to be a blood-sucking parasite, but that's not all it takes to be a stockbroker...

'And here's Ted with his, always accurate, post-market predictions.'

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'Long term investment success requires a clear picture of the future, and that's going to be your job, Ted...'

'Diversify, diversify, diversify. Never keep all your eggs in one basket, unless it's Easter.'

The road ahead?

'I don't know about you, but I really don't like the look of that yield curve.'

"Your portfolio is too conservative."

"Is there an observation room where I can watch my money grow?"

Man pushing Euro sign up a hill.

Stock Market - "I suggest you buy Acme Chemicals."

"Is that a fixed-rate scowl or is it adjustable to the current interest rate?"

"I'm in here...reallocating Dad's retirement account into junk bonds."

'I have money but it's not working for me because it's not invested.'

'Commerical real estates' man excited by peak in sleeping 'Rental rates' monitor

Department of Unrealistic Dividend Earnings: 'We realize it is an unnecessary department but the acronym was just too cool to shut it down.'

"The most important feature of economic predictions is trying not to laugh while making them."

My 35 years of experience tell me your tolerance for risk is low...

"Now, where was I? Oh yeah - interest rates..."

"It's Athens, sir. They're offering to prop up the pound."

"Frankly, I think it's time we take a long hard look at cat futures."

Investment analyst Renald P. is going to frighten the market.

"No, Harliss, you can't take a 'family leave' day to spend with your family of mutual funds"

'Both were written this year by the same author.'

"We have different investment strategies, but we're still drinking buddies."

"Not to toot my own horn, but I was doing time for stock manipulation when you were still in business school."

US dollar perched on fragile house of cards.

"I see a very handsome bottom line later in the year."

A Second Stimulus is Coming,

'Check how the Dow is doing.'

'When I win in the market, I credit my business savvy. When I lose, I blame computer trading.'

'Last I checked, 8-track tapes is a good investment.'

Man Being Chased By Coins.

'A slump? Heavens, no! This is just a little market elasticity!'

Senior Investment Analyst R.G. Thornhill glimpses the Universe in a grain of sand and is not impressed.