Investment Analyst Gifts

Goldman Sacks.

Sure, it helps to be a blood-sucking parasite, but that's not all it takes to be a stockbroker...

'And here's Ted with his, always accurate, post-market predictions.'

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

'Long term investment success requires a clear picture of the future, and that's going to be your job, Ted...'

'Diversify, diversify, diversify. Never keep all your eggs in one basket, unless it's Easter.'

The road ahead?

'I don't know about you, but I really don't like the look of that yield curve.'

"Is there an observation room where I can watch my money grow?"

"Your portfolio is too conservative."

Man pushing Euro sign up a hill.

Stock Market - "I suggest you buy Acme Chemicals."

Department of Unrealistic Dividend Earnings: 'We realize it is an unnecessary department but the acronym was just too cool to shut it down.'

"Is that a fixed-rate scowl or is it adjustable to the current interest rate?"

'I have money but it's not working for me because it's not invested.'

'Commerical real estates' man excited by peak in sleeping 'Rental rates' monitor

"I'm in here...reallocating Dad's retirement account into junk bonds."

"The most important feature of economic predictions is trying not to laugh while making them."

"It's Athens, sir. They're offering to prop up the pound."

My 35 years of experience tell me your tolerance for risk is low...

'Harry Potter' - The IPO - Buy Stock Shares Now!

"Now, where was I? Oh yeah - interest rates..."

'Both were written this year by the same author.'

"Frankly, I think it's time we take a long hard look at cat futures."

Investment analyst Renald P. is going to frighten the market.

"No, Harliss, you can't take a 'family leave' day to spend with your family of mutual funds"

"We have different investment strategies, but we're still drinking buddies."

Follow stock trades of the rich & famous on Twitter.

Senior Investment Analyst R.G. Thornhill glimpses the Universe in a grain of sand and is not impressed.

"Kiss me, and I'll tell you next month's price of

A Second Stimulus is Coming,

'Today on wall street, a rumor led to a rumor which raised fears of insider rumor-mongering.'

'A slump? Heavens, no! This is just a little market elasticity!'

'Last I checked, 8-track tapes is a good investment.'

"Not to toot my own horn, but I was doing time for stock manipulation when you were still in business school."