Stock Analyst Gifts

Micro and Macro Department,

"Basically it makes the same mistakes we've always made - but it makes tham so much faster!"

'Last night Warren Buffett came to me in a dream and whispered in my ear, but it was just sexual.'

'After reaching new heights, the stock market closed early due to an oubreak of acrophobia.'

"I asked you to send me over a prospectus!"

Drug side-effects lose millions.

'Sorensen will put a positive spin on it, Nissen will issue a denial and Sims will flat out lie about it.'

'Gentlemen, we need a slogan!'

'Okay, so they rate the stock a 'strong buy' while we rate it a 'strong sell'. At least we both feel strongly about it.'

'We need to schedule an autopsy audit to find out what happened here.'

'The one on the left is a beverage analyst for Huff & Swoon, and the one on the right is a drunk; or is it the other way around?'

'Now, the forecast for the next quarter... the fortune cookie please.'

Trading today was directionless...

Mu$k

"The Federal Reserve offered these reassuring words: the sun will rise, the sun will set, no matter what the stock market does."

'Hannibal, what do you want from the empire? Stock options?'

"You should have invested in cardboard."

Portfolio, 2011

'Good news! The stock market is about to explode upwards on . . .'

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

I can't understand why our company stocks are going down constantly....this sidewalk for example - it was finished a long time before the deadline!

'How about a romantic caper about two lost souls who meet and find happiness investing in mutual funds.'

'The banks are keen to tap into your expertise.'

The Dunlop Fund: We cater to the small investor.

'I thought I'd marry Roger, but his stock failed to meet my analyst's expectations.'

'Your struggling emerging markets portfolio could use a song. How about 'Don't cry for me, Argentina'?'

'Stocks rose on the news that 'down' is a state of mind that can be treated with pharmaceuticals.'

'That's the trouble with these Chinese stocks -- an hour later you want to invest again.'

'It's almost a photographic copy of Worldcom...' (Enron / Worldcom / Xerox accounting scandals)

Real-Time Stock Quotes

"Remember, we must project the illusion that our main responsibility is to our stockholders."

"I don't think I can watch anymore."

European Stock Analyst

Why the multinational cartel Apex Pharmaceuticals went down 7 5/8 yesterday.

Rumour Analyst