Introverted Humor Fan Pillows

Anti-Personnel Department

"Say, Fred – this is Wally. How about a beer?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

"Seriously, just pull my finger ..."

Winter Weather.

"Ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

'I've had a few short stories published, but I'd really like to write 'the Great American How to Write a Novel.''

"We should have done more to bring all the things we were trying to get away from."

"That's what I love about social media. I can have connections with thousands of people and yet still be completely isolated and alone."

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

'Elroy had an unfortunate knack for picking fights with the wrong people'

A man sits behind a table in a book store with a sign that reads "Take the author to lunch 1 P.M."

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

'If you want produce grown on the farm down the road you'll have to go to Kuala Lumpur.'

"Do I look like a wise man to you?"

"I'm kind of a big deal in antisocial media."

'This photo is hardly suitable for your misery memoir.'

'Separate rooms please, we're on our second honeymoon.'

"As usual, you're confusing your right to have an opinion with having your opinion respected."

"It's just a little device I use to help relieve the anxiety from meeting new people."

Excess Baggage: If your vacation plans include 'getting back to nature', but careful what you wish for.

"Apparently 'the vest' is making a comeback..."

"Beware of dog"

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it's just collecting dust."

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

"It's time for you to know that your mother and I are for-profit parents."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."